Never Thought I'd Post Here [Warning: Major Emo]

[FlyingPanther]

I'm not really one of those people who likes to talk about her problems at all, unless it is with people I completely trust. I've had to many bad things happen to me to let me go flabbing my mouth to anyone who passes by. Like the time my ex boyfriend told me I should just kill myself and do the world a favor, when he knew i was seriously suicidal. But anyway.

Today it's an exception, mostly because I know I'm not thinking clearly from all the stress going on right now. Part of me is screaming at me telling me I'm an idiot for posting here, that I should just keep everything to myself. Part of me is saying, well you don't have to feel that way. People here like you, there is no reason to be nervous. I just don't really like to make my problems public knowledge, and if I do...I like to be vague. But thats not really the reason I'm posting.

I'm under so much stress it's hard to breathe. I'm ACTUALLY having breathing problems right now. My body is so tence moving hurts, and my brain is constantly in a 'running' state. I can't seem to calm myself down at all. It's not completely unsual, I am an easily stressed out person, and have been since I was a very very young child. I'm ADD but because of my anxious tendancies I can't take any ADD medication. ADD meds make my anxiety reach a whole new level of violent anxiety, to both myself and others.

But I didn't post to talk about how I'm ADD either. See how my mind is wandering? I can't even control it right now. Anything and everything is pouring out into this post, and I can hardly restrain myself. I appologize ahead of time for anything idiotic I'm going to say, or if I hurt anyone's feelings. Not being able to breathe or think properly is a problem >.>;

I'm really stressed out about school, life, relationships, and even here. I'm attempting to fromulate organized thoughts now.

School
Why am I stressed out about school? I'm a terrible student. Or at least this semester I have been. I'm already failing math, and now I'm fearing that I'm failing both English and History. I can't fail anymore classes. They will kick me out of the school. My GPA is already bad, because when I was a freshman I completely screwed myself over with my 'i dont talk to anyone about my problems' ness. You see my uncle died when I was a freshman in college. I was really fucked up over it, and as a result my grades dropped. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone though, so I didn't recieve any leneancy. I failed 3 classes. I was on acidemic probation, and just recently got out of that. However, if I fail more classes, I could go back into probation, or get kicked out of the school entirely.

I wont be able to persue my career if I get kicked out of this school. There are not alot of animation schools in LA, and not many will accept me once I've been kicked out of a school. Plus, it wouldn't really look good to any companies I want to be a part of either. The animation world is such a small place, that if you fuck up once, thats it. Your over, and so is your career. You can see how this puts alot of stress on me to preform. But what really chaps my ass is that I'm failing stupid GE classes. I'm not even taking any animation classes this semester.

This leads into my next problem.

Life
If I fail out of school, its not just my career thats going to be the problem.

You see, last semester I wasn't in school. I'm sure most of you didn't know this, but I was partially hospitalized for depression and anxiety last semester of school. Its not something I really like to talk about, but it's true. My parents forced me to go, and it was both a good experience...and one that I would NEVER want to do again. In a way, I think going to the hospital just made everything worse. Its hard to make friends with people that suddenly disappear the next time they are suppose to come in, and you are constantly mortified because your not even sure if they are ALIVE anymore. To see beautiful marred with scars. To see full grown people...men women...cry like their life is about to end. I never want to go through it again.

However, if I fail out of school, I'm almost sure I'm going to end up back there. Whats frightening is that it may not just be partial hospitialization next time. It may be full hospitilzation. That freaks the crap out of me. I could tell you all the horror stories I've heard from my friends at partial that were once fully hospitalized, but I'm not going to. Basically, they treat you like complete shit.

I really don't want to go back. For the love of whatever god may be up there, I really don't want to go back.

Relationships
I really don't want to get into this to much. Basically...I'm beginning to feel more and more like a forgotten relic.

I was important to people at one point in my life. Now I feel so discarded. By pretty much everyone. Everyone has moved on to find bigger and better things, and have left me in the dust. People have found better relics. Better relationships. I feel sometimes like people are only my friend anymore to keep up appeareances or something. Like...they have been my friend for so long...they 'might as well' still be my friend, but I am of no importance in their lives. Or people are only keeping up appearences so they can get soemthing out of me, like art...or money.

I don't even want to get into the problems with me and Anton.

Adoption Life
Even here, A place I like to go to escape, has been proving to elevate my stress levels. I have so much to do. I love this place, I really do, I'd be nothing without this place without any of my internet hangout spots, but I can't deny that it adds to my stress. I'm constantly feeling like I'm in paging mode, with no time to roleplay. When I do have time to rp, sometimes I'm to tired to even think about replying...or my muse is completely dead.

I think people see me not replying as me being neglectful to my crits, which isn't at all the case, if I could...I'd spend the rest of my life roleplaying all my beauties. I want to. I have so many ideas and cool plots for all of them. but I can't because of outside factors...or because im constantly paging and trying to make sure none of my creatures are abandoned.

People have alot more time then I do, I feel like...at least some times. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but alot of times I want to be part of a plot idea someone has with one of my characters...but I cant...because I dont have the time to devote to getting my character to the place were it can start to be part of the plot. I often feel like I have to rush my characters personality and history...which I hate.

I like anyone else love well presented characters. I hate it when I have to rush myself...or put aside great ideas so that my characters can fit into whatever is going on in the moment.



All around I feel rushed. If its not one thing its another. The other day was a perfect example. I had to read an entire book for class...as well as a writing assignment...then once I got back from class I had to write an 8 page essay. This while trying to get my amuni pages done so I could start working on getting together my defore and euclide pages. I haven't even touched my TQ or RK stuff.

I also feel really used and under appresheated. I know everyone loves my art...and that everyone appresheates when I do it for them, thats not what im talking about. I feel like I give it all into my friendships...and I get so little...or nothing in return. Is it selfish to want to feel like your important to someone? To know that if you didn't show up the next day, they would wonder where you went? When you would be back? That without you around...their life is that much less meaningful? I have so many people I love so deeply. I'm so tired of my feelings not being reciprocated.



I'm tired of everything.

[silverdust]

The one thing that I think cripples the internet is that there's no way to really convey how much someone means to you in plain script and postage. All one has is that trust that people mean what they say and feel, and I know at times that can be a strenuous thread to hold onto, but believe me when I say this FP but you're a wonderfully creative, gifted person. If that talent were to somehow disappear it would be felt; it could never be replaced. You do mean something to us, as an RPer, an admin, a friend. Though we've never met we've shared thoughts and ideas and part of our artistic souls, and in a way its something almost intimate. You can't do that and not feel anything; I'm sure anyone who has gotten to know you on this board feels some degree of that closeness.

I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to real life; I have never had a boyfriend or a dramatic relationship. My real life friends are close but there is always a distance between us; I don't let myself get too close to people, it's sort of a defense mechanism. I know this makes it seem like this post is pointless when it comes to sympathy, but I want you to know it's different here. Here I don't mind being myself, it's in everything I write and do, and I believe the people I post with here know me a great deal better than anyone else. I share more of myself, and everyone here, including you FP is a close and valued companion, a kindred spirit. Opening up on here is nothing to be ashamed of, because I believe there are people here who really give a damn, and will take the time to listen and to read. If not me then certainly tigs or Mem. If you're having trouble paging, if you just need a break to reorganize, I'm sure no one will think of it as abandoning your crits. You write such beautiful RPs with them, it's easy to see how much effort you put into developing their stories and characters, and no one who puts that much time into it can be considered a careless adopter. If you need a break with RP I'll be happy to let any of the threads I have with you wait until you're up to your prime; it's very much worth it, because your characters are gorgeous and it's wonderful to feed off your creativity.

I don't want to get into it to deeply but my father was institutionalized briefly and I know how scary the environment is; I could never experience it myself, but I went to visit and I know how it is to see all those people, hear them cry and watch them deconstruct. It was harder watching my own father's road to recovery, seeing a man I've looked up and whose protected me brought down by his mental demons. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but I want to say that I at least share some of that, if only just the part of an intimate observer; I can feel for that pain that the idea must cause you, and you have my sympathy and support.

If there is anything I can do, anything at all to prove that I mean what I say and these aren't just words, please tell me. I'm still living at home and my parents don't exactly approve of my online life, plus I lack a cell phone, so calling is difficult, but if you need a chat or something I'll try my best to be here and offer what I can.

*hugs* I know you can get over this FP, it's definitely in you. I hope in some way this can help. <3

[Kitty Love]

Hun, you know you've always got an ear with me right? Anytime you need it just drop me a line, I like helping others cause I can't help myself. I'm going through similar feelings at present, so depressed and stressed out that I'm pjhysically suffering and I don't want anyone else to go through that. I havnet' got much to say at present, for I've gotta run and I dont' want ot just dribble on forever, but to get to the point.

Need an ear? You've got it. I've a myriad of ways to be reached, you just need ot choose one and es, don't be a stranger.

[Jenn]

*hugs you tight*

I'm never sure what to say when I see someone under so much emotional distress. Even worse when it's someone I like and respect as much as you because I would do a lot to see your burdens eased. I don't know how much help I can truly be, but I'm always available as a sympathetic ear, even if I don't always know what to say.

Love you <3

[zelda]

*huggles Fp* I am really sorry to hear your having so much stress, love. i really wish i could say more.
Though i can say I really do respect you with everything you have done. And you should never feel rushed online, if you have real life stuff to deal with, then you shouhld deal with that stuff first. Just say you can't work on it now. Everyone would understand, we all love you .
Though I am not to sure what I could say to tell you how bad I feel that I can't help in a better way. I am truely not good about talking about relationships, school life, or just life itself.
I know life is hard, but at some point it will get better, when it is unsure though it will happen.
I went through minor things that I can't really compare to some of the things that happen to people here. Though I can understand the pain and questioning. It really sucks,, though you will find the right path if you keep going and tring to make the best out of the things that happen. Just don't give up FP we would all be very sad if you were to leave. *Hugs* And I am sorry if this doesn't really help...it is kindof the only thing I can think of that I told myself many of times, when i went through my little depression times in relationships and friendships, and all that jazz.
I really do hope you feel better and if you ever need someone to poke I shall be there<3 *gives much love to*

[ferabird]

I have only one thing that needs saying to you, hon-

<3

I care how you feel and want you to feel good. And I'm here if you ever need support. Hell- if you want you can even give me a call if you at some point just need someone to talk to. I've got insane-o long distance and minutes to blow. Just let me know and I'll PM you my number.

[tigs]

*snuggles HARD*

We've been through hard times hon, and I know I've caused you pain before. But I feel like with all we've been through, sometimes we might as well be family XD which is why I always come to you when I need a shoulder to cry on. I hope you haven't minded and if you did, you would tell me. Which means I would expect no less if you have a problem, I want you to come to me, tell me anything you want without feeling like you're burdening me. I like helping people with their problems or just being there to listen, it gives me something else to focus on other than my misfortunes and emotional baggage X3.

In short- because I'm freaking exhausted from a little emotional breakdown from earlier today- I cherish you. I only hope I've shown that enough that you never questioned it. You mean something to me, you really mean something, as in, I would be devastated if ever I knew you'd been in hospital or therapy of any sort. Or.. worse, but I'd rather not even Think about that.

I know what you're going through, in pretty much every aspect of what you're dealing with right now. I think I told you that in a PM once XD it's like we're living a double-life but with slight differences :3. Which means you can probably expect a big PM from me later about all this once I'm well rested. I'm not the best for advice, but I try to use my experiences as a 'dos' and 'don't dos' guide XD. 'I fucked up by trying this to solve issue A., so I would suggest not going along the same path' stuff like that. Some people find it helpful, and sometimes it's just nice to hear honest truths from someone who's been there or is still struggling through and experiencing the pain and frustration you are.

<3 love you hun.

[FlyingPanther]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. Sorry if I should have replied earlier to everyone's comments ^^;, I'm just not very good at admitting to people I don't regularly talk to about my problems that I do have problems. Mostly because I like to try to keep them to myself as much as possible.

It's great to know that while I'm not fond of spilling my guts that so many people are willing to talk to me about things and help me out, that makes me feel much more loved and apresheated then I was feeling earlier today, and maybe I'm just crazy and paranoid, and expecting to much from people. You guys have certainly given me more then I was asking for ^^; Thank you.

Also...If I don't reply to this again, it's not because I'm not thankful for any of the kind words. I suppose I'm just...sorta...ashamed? not really the word I'm looking for...but I guess I'll use it, that I wrote about everything thats been bothering me and such, when I really don't like to talk about it if I can help it, so I want to pretend like I didn't post anything XDDDD;;;

But thank you to everyone for all your kind words, love and support <3 It really helped <3

[Kitty Love]

Don't be ashamed love, I don't think any of us exactly feel wonderful about spillign their issues to everyone. I feel just horrid talkign about anythign negative with anyone, but I've come to realize that al lthsoe negative feelings just get backed up and one day they al lcome out at once. I took a caligraphy class at the con I went to, and she spent most of the class just going over posture and why it was important and then we did al lthese exercises to release negative energy and help replace it with positive energy. She also told us Japanese people are, in general, a lot happier then Americans because they beleive that everythign negative that happens is a "cleansing" and are thankful for it. If you're interested in any of these exercises, plus I have a few more from boosk and such as I'm terribly, terribly into metaphysical stuff, especially energy healing, feel free to ask. They've helped me a lot.